Ikiru
by LaMindy
Summary: "It was painful. Painful to feel the angry looks burning holes in his back. Painful to be avoided in such an extent, he would do anything for some love. Painful to be alive." Kyo's three lights gradually disappear from his sight, and he finds himself getting sucked into a world of pain and depression.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Ikiru. _Means "live/exist" in Japanese._  
Summary: "It was painful. Painful to feel the angry looks burning holes in his back. Painful to be avoided in such an extent, he would do anything for some love. Painful to be alive." Kyo's lights gradually disappear, and he loses the fight against the darkness.  
Warnings: Blood, self-harm, depression. Full of angst.

* * *

_That monstrous child. He's cursed. _

Those whispers had followed him all his life, trying to bring him down.

_Never been up to any good. Always making trouble. _

What had he ever done wrong? Well, sure, he had gotten into more than a couple of fights, and he did have problems with his temper… but was he really a bad person?

_He's the cat. Stay away from him._

Was it his fault for being born? Was that his sin? Was it even considered a sin? He had often wondered why they hated him. He had never found a reason.

He had anger issues; he knew that, everyone knew that. He had lots of faults. But they had all hated him before that side of him had even showed. Hated since childhood. Even before his mother left him all alone.

_Don't come near him._

It was painful. Painful to go through day after day, getting hateful words thrown at him. Painful to feel the angry looks burning holes in his back. Painful to be avoided in such an extent, he would do anything for some love. Painful to be alive.

But when everyone had walked out, Shishou had walked in. He had raised him, trained him in the doujo, maybe even loved him.

No, not loved him, that couldn't be right. It was because of Shishou's own grandfather, the former cat. It had to be his guilt. Kyo couldn't think of any other reason. One couldn't love someone like him.

_Stupid cat._

Even when Kyo had sworn to himself that he would be stronger than Yuki, he could never beat him. He would never gain his freedom. Darkness had threatened to consume him at that point. He had been dangerously close to the edge of despair.

But then, Tohru had come around. She had brought light into his miserable life. After a while, he had found himself in love with the dense girl. Her kindness had given him a reason to live.

But of course, Yuki was the one for her. He was the damn rat, the one on top of the zodiac. The Prince, as some occasionally called him.

And Kyo? He wasn't even a part of that zodiac. He was hated, loathed, detested. A monster.

The rat was perfect, faultless, smart and strong. Everything the cat was not. Tohru would be much better off with Yuki, Kyo knew that. But even those thoughts couldn't erase his feelings for her. Nothing could.

_Disgusting. _

The words continued to penetrate his head, driving him crazy. He only wanted them to stop. The words was dripped in malice, poisoning his mind and pulling him further and further down in the darkness.

It seemed like all hope was crushed.

His mother was his first light. She had cared about him, or that was at least what he had thought at the time. Turns out she detested him so much, she took her own life. How empty he'd felt inside after that. How painful it was, when his own father accused him for killing her. Maybe he was right. Maybe all Kyo was… was a murderer?

Shishou was his second light. Kyo had always thought of him as the father he'd never had, and he still did. But he didn't deserve to be his son. He wasn't worthy. Some days when he was down, he found his thoughts wandering to Shishou. How he wished Shishou would actually love someone like him.

Tohru was his third light. He loved her. He really did. But she seemed so mesmerized by that damn rat. She cared about Kyo – that was at least what he hoped – but not enough. Not in the way Kyo wanted her to care.

Kyo's three lights had all been bleached. The darkness inside him had dulled their shine so much; they couldn't reach him at all anymore.

A slim blood trail tickled slowly down his arm. Kyo felt tears burn behind his closed eyes. He felt weak. Every time he did this, he felt so damn weak! Then why..? Why did he do this, time after time, every time depression threatened to take over his mind? His self-loathing got the best of him.

He lacked the strength. He wasn't strong enough to overcome the consuming pain. Besides, a monster didn't deserve any better. He deserved to feel the pain. Deserved every inch of the agony he brought upon himself. Especially after all the pain he'd inflicted on others, intentional or not.

Kyo knew he should stop now, just put away the damn knife and clean up the mess in his bedroom. But he can't. Why?

_Because you are weak._

He swallowed hard, holding his tears back by sheer willpower. Pain, pain, pain. It was like his heart cracked a little more. The pocket knife slid anew.

The wound stung, but it was worse inside. The agony of his own thoughts tore his soul apart. No matter how many times he patched it together again, it was always ripped up in the end. Every time the pain became too much, he let the dark devour him.

_Such stupidity._

He felt so… ugly. Unwanted. Useless. Unloved.

The knife dropped. Kyo grabbed his arm and squeezed .Hard. More blood oozed out, and left him dizzy. He turned his head to look at the clock. Two in the morning. He should go to bed.

Kyo stood up on shaking feet after grabbing a towel. The wound didn't really bleed that much, but the floor had gotten some stains. He needed to wipe it off before it dried and became permanent spots.

As usual, he had already armed himself for the clean-up. He wouldn't risk waking anyone up and get caught in the act by wandering around the house. Kyo felt blood soak the towel, and cursed under his breath. It would stop soon enough, though. It always stopped in the end, if he put enough pressure on the cut.

Suddenly, the guilt set in. Just for a second or two, but that was enough. The feeling had a strong presence, and settled in his gut like a heavy stone. In that moment, Kyo's feelings were intertwined in a terrible mess of right and wrong. The towel fell to the floor.

_Shame_.

Tears gathered in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. The little dignity he had left wouldn't allow it. He quickly wiped the remaining blood of the floor, and opened the window. He couldn't let anyone get suspicious of the blood stench.

Kyo then proceeded to put the dirty towels and the little knife in an old shoe box, which he locked inside his closet. He would get rid of it tomorrow. Sighing, he sat down on his futon.

There was more pain now than ever.

* * *

I hope you liked this depressive piece… When I wrote this chapter, I actually attempted a little character analysis. I really wanted to go more in depth into Kyo's feelings, and portray him realistic at the same time. I hope I succeeded! Please tell me if there is something that bugs you, or if I didn't manage to keep Kyo in character. I would love to get feedback!

This will probably be a three-shot, and I'll try to update soon! Although I have to say; my productivity comes and goes, so don't expect too much from me… ^^;

~LaMindy


	2. Chapter 2

Kyo had never been one to wear long sleeved sweaters. It was odd, Yuki thought, he hadn't seen the idiot wear one of his usual black shirts in several weeks. Or was it months? He actually wasn't sure when he'd noticed. Kyo's eyes seemed empty; there he sat sprawled in a chair, misery hanging over him like a cloud.

"Watch it, stupid cat." Yuki said, irritation lacing his voice, as he almost tripped in said cat's legs. It wasn't even noon, and the idiot had already managed to piss him of several times. Bumping into him, making comments and being, well, an ass. Like usual. Almost succeeding in seeming normal.

Something was, however, wrong with him. Yuki had known the idiot a since childhood, and Kyo was quite simpleminded and very easy to read. He couldn't put his finger on what exactly was wrong, but something was definitely different. Knowing the stupid cat, however, he would probably sleep it off.

"Yeah, whatever, damn rat," Kyo shot back, but his voice lacked the usual edge. Everything he had done today, every argument, every threat, it seemed so half-assed. All of it.

Even Honda-san had noticed, judging by the worried looks she sometimes threw in Kyo's direction. He was oblivious to it all, lost in music. He'd been listening to his favorite songs for what seemed like forever. His phone was slowly dying from low battery, but its owner paid no heed.

Kyo sighed. He tried so hard to keep up the façade; he really did, but failed miserably. He had never been any good at hiding his feelings. He felt so empty. How he longed for his pocket knife, longed for his own blood. And how he detested himself for feeling that way.

The singer screamed into his ears, ranting on about misery and pain, pleading for a savior. How fitting. Depressive mood required depressive music. Suddenly, he flinched. A voice. Someone was talking. It was a wonder he'd even heard anything over the blasting music. But then again, cats have remarkably good hearing.

"Kyo, are you alright?" Tohru repeated, frowning slightly when Kyo hadn't answered at first. She had noticed his rather odd behavior, and even if she was unbelievably dense, she was very concerned about the well-being of others. Her mother had taught her that.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" Kyo said, seemingly nonchalantly. Although his heart had skipped a beat when he'd heard her voice, and… he suspected his voice had cracked a little at the end. He quickly turned the volume down. Unnecessary, as his phone gave its last _beep_ and the screen turned black.

"You just seem so…" The girl searched for the right word. "Distant." Tohru studied him with an unreadable look. Hadn't his shoulders jerked when she had asked? And didn't he seem tense? Like he was really nervous.

"There's… nothing wrong," he said. Glancing at her, he knew she didn't buy it. He shouldn't have hesitated. Mentally slapping himself, Kyo flashed a smile, trying to fix his mistake.

"Don't worry, I'm fine!"

* * *

He wasn't. He wasn't fine. Not at all. He could feel the depression eating him from the inside, leaving nothing but a wide, black hole in his soul. Dark thoughts continued swirling around in his head, making it impossible to focus on anything positive.

Kyo was aware that he was slowly spiraling downwards. He knew, but he didn't even try to stop it. The world didn't need him anymore… did it? He was so confused. A little war was going on in his already messed-up head. Nothing made sense anymore.

_Tonight_, he thought rather absentmindedly. _Tonight I'll do it. I'll leave this world and the pain behind._ Then he shook his head fiercely. He couldn't leave Tohru… Shame raced through his body like electricity when he realized what he'd just thought.

Sitting slowly down on his bed, head resting in his hands; he fought the tears. Pain seemed like a daily routine now. He just wanted it to end. He wished for freedom so bad. He knew he could never live with being chained and held down.

A loud sigh escaped his slightly parted lips. As he thought about how the former cat was treated, shivers ran down his spine. Would he be locked up too? Would no one protest? Was he really doomed to a life in captivity?

The cat. Did he pose such a threat to the rest of the family? He knew he was disgusting. He knew he was ugly. Nasty. A monster. But he couldn't help it, nor could he change it. It was just who he was.

No, he didn't want to die alone in imprisonment. Graduation day was getting closer, only a few weeks away. If he didn't beat Yuki by then…

He couldn't even bear to think about it.

A single crystal tear rolled quietly down his cheek.

Kyo had gotten his first cut only weeks before he met Tohru. He hadn't even been living with the damn rat at the time, but the emptiness had still haunted him. He was training hard every day, with only one goal in mind; beating Yuki.

He had actually been in a pretty good mood that afternoon. He'd finally perfected a new move in the dojo, and even felt pretty confident in his strength. He had only been cutting some vegetables – it was his turn to make something for dinner - when he had accidently cut his hand on the kitchen knife.

It wasn't a deep cut, not at all, just a tiny gash covering his palm. But as a drop of blood had tickled from the torn skin, he found himself a little awestruck.

When night had come, Kyo hadn't been able to sleep at all. There was something that kept him awake, an urge. So he had simply tip toed out to the kitchen and grabbed the biggest and sharpest butcher knife.

Carefully, he'd brought the sharp object to his wrist. Then he'd hesitated a little. He couldn't remember a single thought that had ran through his head that night. But that didn't matter. He'd still done it.

The first slice had been so small; Kyo hadn't even been feeling any pain. It hadn't been enough pressure to leave a scar. Barely enough to draw blood. But as he had put more force to it, he had felt the knife pierce the skin.

That first cut had been insignificant. Fading after just a day, the incident couldn't even be counted as cutting. But the damage was done. The urge had been with him ever since. During the next week, he'd cut himself four times, deeper every night. What had started out as only a couple of scratches had evolved into a mess of blood and tears.

When he felt empty, he'd cut. It was better to feel pain than nothing at all. But he'd cut when he was in pain too. And when he felt sad… hurt… or simply alone. He would harm himself over everything, and always telling himself excuses for doing so.

No one had found out, although he - deep inside - wished someone would. His thoughts had been a mixture of "_hey! Please notice! Don't ignore my pain…" _and "_don't see, these scars are just the work of the cat that lurks around here." _He had done everything to hide them, but at the same time, he wanted someone to look past the façade and see _him_. But no one ever asked.

Then Tohru had opened his heart. She had taught him how to love. He had in a way loved Shishou, as a parental figure, but not like the love that girl had thought him.

So he stopped. The urge had simply disappeared when she'd given him the love his heart had been searching for. The smile on her face became a replacement for the self-harm. He had gradually been getting better.

But now he'd begun again. Getting pulled into the darkness without resisting. And he didn't' even know why. What an idiot he was.

Kyo didn't care anymore.

* * *

"Ne, Sohma-kun…"

"Yes?" Yuki stopped peeling the potatoes to watch Tohru with a careful eye.

"Uhm… Don't you think Kyo is acting a little, uh, strange?" She asked, worry in every bit of her tone. "His eyes are so… sad. And empty. Like he doesn't care about anything anymore."

"Oh, I'm sure there's nothing, Honda-san." Yuki retorted, seemingly emotionless. "His mood is always swinging." However, Yuki had the feeling something was terribly wrong, and as a part of the zodiac, he had learned to always believe in his intuition. Besides, worrying Tohru even more wasn't something he intended to do.

The girl in question didn't answer, but the air was full of tension. Yuki wasn't the only one with intuition after all. Tohru was obviously thinking hard.

"Stupid cat, always making trouble…" He mumbled to himself. Tohru didn't notice, lost in her own world of anxious thoughts.

* * *

The chilly night wind stroke Kyo's hair, tugging it gently. The moon had raised high on the night sky, indicating the late hour. It was barely visible, being crescent, only one night from disappearing completely. Any normal human would have trouble seeing anything through the carpet of darkness, but not the cat.

He had occupied the roof once again, as he had done too many times in the past month. Every time he'd made new wounds, he'd escape to this place. Into his own peaceful world. There was a silence here, a silence he couldn't find anyplace else.

Kyo's inner clock told him it was about two in the morning. The wind rustled through leaves, tearing some of them of the thin branches. He could make out the contour of the falling leaves in the faded moonlight. He watched them swirl slowly through the air without much interest, before touching the ground lightly.

He wished he could be like the leaves. They landed so softly after their elegant fall. When Kyo fell - when he lost his footing, when he was torn from his lifeline by a little gust - he fell hard. No gracious landing, no beautiful journey though empty space, no floating on the wind. Just him and his pain, hitting the ground with destructive powers.

It was in moments like these the most agonized memories flew through his brain. He didn't really mind them, even if their only purpose was to make his heart heavier and mind darker.

He remembered the time he sat in class, longing for release with all his being. The type of release he could only achieve when he inflicted physical pain on himself. And he couldn't find anything sharp, not even a pencil sharpener.

So he'd been creative.

Grabbing an eraser before rushing to the restroom in lunch break, he'd rubbed his upper arm. Rubbing and rubbing, until his arm was on fire. The disgusting result had made him miss lunch. Not that it had mattered, he didn't eat as much as he used to anyway.

He remembered the time he'd crashed his head into a stone wall because he'd felt so unneeded. There had been blood everywhere. Head wounds never stopped bleeding, it seemed. Kyo still remembered Yuki's comment when he'd come home, stripes of blood still evident in his hair, even if he'd tried to wash it out by splashing cold river water on himself.

"Got into another fight, stupid cat?"

He hadn't answered.

He remembered the time he had been laying in his bed all day, faking a cold, just because he couldn't face the world.

He remembered the time he had collapsed because he hadn't forced himself to eat anything. All day.

He remembered the time he had put his hand into the flame of a candle, keeping it there until the pain became unbearable.

He remembered all the times he had broken his skin with nothing more than his own nails. All the times he had punched a random wall so hard his bones nearly cracked. All the times he had bitten down on his fingers, piercing the skin and drawing blood.

He did everything to feel the pain he desperately needed.

He remembered… He remembered. He remembered. He remembered.

Oh, he was so tired. He just wanted everything to come to an end. The knife… He needed the knife.

* * *

My inspiration disappeared halfway through this chapter… Well, I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Credit to the song Last Resort by Papa Roach! Biggest inspiration ever, the lyrics gave me so many ideas. You should look it up, even if you don't like that type of music, the song is so meaningful…

I'll try to update soon!


	3. Chapter 3

He had cut too deep.

Gripping his damaged wrist tightly, Kyo watched as a steady stream of red liquid ran down his hand, staining the floor. There were no tears left to cry. He'd bled them all out, each one hurting more than its predecessor. If he hadn't been empty before, he certainly was now. His soul had become a dry, hollow shell.

He left a trail of fresh blood as he almost dragged himself across the floor. He stopped before his closet, perking inside. The stench of old blood made him wrinkle his nose. He hadn't managed to throw away the content in the box. He could tell himself to do so as much as he wanted, but he realized now that he would never be able to stop. His addiction was too strong, and his resolve too weak.

All the dried blood had turned the towel stiff. He could hardly see a spot free from stains; it had obviously gone through too many of Kyo's worse days. He hadn't pulled it out of the box together with the knife. Even though he preferred to have the towel ready, he had been way too upset to think about it at the time.

Putting pressure at his cuts, he cursed under his breath. So much pain… His wrist was on fire; never ending flames burned his arm without mercy. Kyo tried to calm his breath, which was coming out in short gasps.

He didn't know what had come over him. Emotional pain had consumed him like never before. When he'd remembered all of the shit he'd gone through during his life, something just tore inside him. He'd broken down in tears, which he hadn't done since he was a little kid.

His anger was destructive, he heard that a lot. He knew it was true. He just couldn't deal with anger, couldn't keep it inside. But what everyone else didn't seem to understand, was that he took out all of his pent up frustration on himself. Although he was known for breaking all sorts of things – like Shigure's door – the damage he could do to himself was far more severe.

Two shallow scratches at his upper arm, then another one at his forearm. A bloody gash across the back of his hand, and to top it all off, a deep wound marring his wrist. Just above his major artery. Like… suicide. His mind had been cloudy and his eyes blurred with tears, he hadn't even known what he'd been doing. Body on autopilot, desperate to stop the tears. Driven by the insane desire to _feel_.

If his subconscious had really attempted suicide… He could have laughed.

His hand felt odd. He'd probably messed up some of his tendons. Oh, well. Maybe taking his miserable life would be the better choice? Going on living seemed impossible. Was happiness really unobtainable?

A bitter smile pulled at his pale lips. The towel dropped to the floor, and the broken boy slid down against the wall. Blood was reflected in the shine of the beads around his wrist. Life had simply left him. He'd given up.

* * *

He was vaguely aware that he was bleeding out. His whole body felt cold and numb, and he felt like he slowly lost grip on reality. Surprisingly enough, his breathing was pretty much even. The corners of his sight turned darker by every minute. Suddenly, an icy claw gripped around his heart.

The image he'd had of a peaceful death only moments before was ruthlessly shattered as panic crept in on his mind. Realization of what he'd just done hit him like a ton of bricks, and his breath caught in his throat, making him cough harshly.

Kyo had never felt so alone in his entire life. He'd been shunned and hated for as long as he lived, and always felt isolated, but the feeling that rushed through him now… He hacked some more.

The boy slowly rose to his feet, unsteady and shaky, but standing. His head was empty of all thoughts, except that one feeling of complete terror of death.

Tohru…

With the thought of that one name, the storm inside Kyo's mind disappeared as fast as it had appeared. Guilt exploded in his chest. Tohru would probably be the first one to enter his room in the morning. She would be the one to find him… dead. He couldn't scar her like that. No way. He would never do that to the girl he loved.

He still had trouble realizing the gravity of the situation he had found himself in.

"Death... ka*?" The word left a weird taste in his mouth.

So Kyo did what every other cat would do; he hid away. And there was only one place he could escape to in his condition. After a little struggle, he eventually found himself in his favorite place. Gazing up at the stars, the boy didn't even feel the water on the roof soak his clothes.

In a short moment, his heart was filled with immense sadness and loneliness. The stinging in his arm was nothing compared to the emotional torment. His breath hitched. Then, he inhaled sharply and a scream tore itself from his lungs. His mind went blank. Everything he'd kept inside for so long was finally being released. Every choked feeling, every bit of desperation, frustration, hurt, anger, despair and misery.

The raw scream died out. Kyo felt so cleansed. At the moment being, he was clean from every negative feeling. Maybe even the hate of himself.

For a second, he wondered if anyone had heard him. If anyone had heard his outburst. His… cry for help. He immediately decided against it. He'd finally build up the courage to die. To take one's life wasn't a simple task after all. But going on living would certainly be harder. Dying seemed like the easiest way out. He couldn't go on like this anymore. He couldn't.

Kyo couldn't lie. He feared death. But he feared Akito and the cage more.

So, on the cold roof tiles he waited for death to come, all alone.

* * *

Yuki couldn't sleep. As the rat, he could become quite restlessness at times, even if he hid it well. He was the type to hide all his flaws, after all, unlike a certain cat. Yuki knew exactly what bothered him. The lifeless eyes that had haunted him all day.

Earlier that day, Yuki had seen Kyo in a state that was completely out of character for the cat. It was just a glimpse of his face, a short moment in which the boy in question didn't pay attention to his surroundings. Obviously deep in thoughts, Kyo had let his defenses fall, and all Yuki had seen was the boy's suffering features. His face, seemingly sunken and hollow. His eyes, dull, dead, without shine.

A second later, the cat noticed the rat. His face immediately took on a fake look of defiance, mumbling a "What's your problem? Geez…"

Kyo used to be so full of life. No matter how many times he was beaten, he would still fight on. He could be stepped on, spat on, dragged through the mud… And he would rise again. Always.

Yuki had almost felt like an intruder, getting to peak into Kyo's soul. Into the bright-haired boy's inner self. And what he'd seen had struck a chord in his heart. Was it pity? Or… _Caring_?

No, Yuki wouldn't say he cared. He didn't. He barely acknowledged the other boy's presence, dammit! So why did he feel like a heavy stone was placed in his gut?

_Kyo really know how to make people worry_, the silver-haired boy thought and remembered the short conversation with Tohru. She had really been distressed. And now, as a result of that stupid cat's problems, Yuki couldn't even get peace at night.

Tossing and turning around in his bed, his mind kept wandering to those dead eyes.

That's why, when he heard the muffled sound of a heartbreaking scream, he knew something was wrong. On every other day, he would just have called off the scream as a result of Kyo's aggression problems. But now, when the cat had just shown Yuki his most vulnerable side – although not intentionally – he didn't think twice before rushing up the stairs.

* * *

A/N: Finally! This chapter became so delayed mainly because a lot is going on in my life. Mix that with a pile of school work and computer troubles (because I managed to forget my pc-charger at school over Christmas break), and you get a tiny amount of time to actually write something. I'll try to finish the next – and probably last – chapter as soon as possible, though :D

*ka: In Japanese, you put this word after a sentence, which makes it a question. The English word would probably be "huh", but "ka" sounds so much better than "death, huh?"

This whole story is un-betaed btw! So in case you find some funny words/sentences or a little misspelling here and there, my only excuse is that English isn't my native language ~

Thank you so much for reading!


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